The Bride and Groom “in the confessional
Today I wanted to answer the future brides and grooms about their doubts, their fears, their problems related to marriage. Very often, future brides and grooms do not dare to express their questions or do not express them to the right people, because there is a lack of objectivity in their answers.
In order to better guide you, I wrote this article with an excellent psychologist specialized in the life of the couple. She brings you elements and arguments to better understand these doubts, these questionings and to overcome them
My husband does not want me to keep my maiden name
The first thing to do is to understand why it is so important for your husband? Is this need related to the desire to mark tradition? To show a sign of belonging? Or that the gift of her name is a manifestation of her love? Or simply to bear the same name as the children?
In a second step, it is up to the bride-to-be to ask herself these questions and to express: Why don’t I want to change my name? Because I am professionally known under my maiden name? Or maybe you are experiencing this as a change of identity because your birth name represents your original identity. If this is painful for you, explain it to her. Once both of you know the reasons, find a compromise:
Double names: The wife’s name will necessarily be indicated on the passport, for example (Born XXX, wife xxx)
Keep the use of her maiden name for professional purposes and accept to use her married name for official documents.
But above all, don’t let it turn into a conflict. The most important thing is to know the symbolic meaning of one or the other regarding the will to take the name or not. And it will be necessary to take it into account if it is very strong.
We are of different religions.
The questions related to religion are undoubtedly the most difficult to analyze regarding marriage. The first thing to evaluate is the degree of attachment to one’s religion and to the rites that are incumbent upon it. In many religions mixed marriages are not possible. And one should not confuse faith and rites. Everyone can keep his faith, the rites vary. How far are you able to respect your belief and the belief of the other person and to renounce certain rites?
In any case, being in a couple with a person of a different religion is already a proof of tolerance. You are already in the acceptance of not being in the same culture and the same education.
Religion should not be an obstacle to love and union because many of the obstacles have already been overcome. One should not also mix his faith and family pressure. Religion often comes back more from family loyalty than from personal will. Ask yourself this question: why do I want to have a religious wedding? Is it me or the other members of my family who won’t stand for it? Here are some possible solutions depending on your wishes:
Secular ceremony or engagement session with rites of your two religions. An idea that will please and touch both family members. Choose a religious ceremony, the one you or your partner is most attached to.
I’ve always had trouble feeling beautiful and on my wedding day I’m afraid of being ridiculous, of not being up to it.
The question of self-image, self-esteem and awareness of one’s own value is an internal construction that has little to do with the gaze of others. It is necessary to work on this question outside of the wedding event.
First of all, remember that if you have reached the wedding day, it is because someone has decided to marry you: YOU and that this person finds you beautiful. Of course, let’s put it simply: being happy makes you beautiful.
Beauty begins the moment you decide to be yourself
Being happy already makes a woman radiant and beautiful. Moreover, what can weaken you the day of the wedding, it is that you are exposed to the glance of all. You have the impression to be under the eyes of people who compare compared with a previous marriage.
You may also be bombarded with preconceived ideas from TV shows that stir up comparison, jealousy and rivalry. The wedding day should not be seen as an exhibition but as an experience to be lived, an intimate day
My partner is not involved in the wedding planning
Let me stop you right there, it doesn’t mean that he doesn’t care, that he doesn’t care or that he doesn’t feel concerned. It can mean that he feels incompetent in the organization and what you ask him. And that it’s part of a skill set that he’s acknowledged to you. It is a sign of confidence in his partner. What interests him is not the theme chosen, the decorations, the place of reception but rather what he will live during this moment.
Generally, men are less sensitive to the look of others but sensitive to the present moment. And it should not become a source of conflict. Keep him informed, without asking him to be the head. For example, your partner is adept at “Do as you please”. Simply because everything suits him as long as he is on this life journey with you. It is also an opportunity for you to do what you want.
You can also imagine the opposite, if the two of you are too involved, there will also be a conflict because each one will want to do what he wants and impose his ideas.
To conclude, the organization is not really important, what is important is to get married with you.
My partner does not want to get married
Here again, the question of: why doesn’t he want to get married is de rigueur. Is this non-desire linked to a feeling of confinement? superfluous administrative steps? a bad previous experience? a bad representation of marriage as a parental divorce? Or that it is not necessary to get married to love each other, true love is to have children? Why is it important for you to get married?
What does marriage mean to you too? It can be tradition, an additional commitment, an importance for your family or if you are a woman: change your name, wear a white dress like you remember as a child.
You will have to find a compromise whatever happens. Either your partner will calmly discuss your points of view with you and will reconsider his or her unwillingness to get married. Or you will be convinced that finally you can live your love without getting married. It is important to remember that marriage is a mark of identity. Saying that you are in a couple, and that you are proud of it. There are other ways to legitimize your relationship and here are some ideas for a good compromise:
Civil wedding in a small group with family and close friends , which makes your union legally public A party simply to celebrate your love, your couple, the date you met. It is an occasion to offer a jewel in all intimacy, you can even wear a white dress this day! A moment to make your love, your couple, your commitment official.
I have questions, I have doubts on my wedding day
“Help, I don’t want to get married anymore! “. You ask yourself a billion questions, you have doubts about your marriage? Getting married is always presented as a very strong sacrament, a lasting commitment and something definitive. I understand you: making a life and death commitment is legitimately scary.
The only thing you can be sure of is that you must be sincere with each other. D-Day is a symbolic day of commitment. But this commitment is a choice that is constantly renewed throughout your lives. That is to say, to say again “yes, I am happy to be with this person, she makes me happy and I want to be with her. It is the acceptance to live with the other person every day that is already a renewed commitment.
So let’s be clear: It’s normal to have doubts! We love in the “here” and the “now”. What sustains marriage is love. Love must be the essential factor in marriage. It is true that there is a paradox between marriage which is a contract and love which is a feeling. You can honor a contract and decide it but a feeling is not easily controlled.
The truth is in how you feel on the D-Day, and doubt is a lure because the real commitment is the one that is renewed every second with your partner. However, marriage is totally different than giving birth to a child because you will have an indestructible bond with your partner forever.
I am obsessed with my marriage
Often this is a manifestation of anxiety and a desire for hyper-control. I’m afraid that it won’t be well organized, that I won’t be at my best or that I won’t be able to do it. Mainly, you want everything to go well for everyone. It is normal to have questions and doubts when preparing your wedding.
First advice: relax! Getting married is not like taking an exam. If the wedding is to be successful, it must be for you. To make it memorable, it means sharing your joy with the people you love and having an unforgettable experience.
The success of the wedding is not in the organization but in what you live. You can’t be outside and inside: organizing is a job and living the experience is your role. Organizing your wedding must remain a pleasure and not a task to be accomplished. Remember that on the big day, you have nothing to prove, only to experience. I propose you some solutions to help you to live better the preparations:
Give yourself a break! One day a week, don’t talk about the wedding, don’t think about the wedding, take a break from the preparations. Take advantage of a moment to be alone or together as you did when you were not planning to get married. Conversely, set aside one or more days a week to work on your wedding plans. Giving yourself breaks allows you to dive back into the preparations in a more serene and proactive way.
If you are really too overwhelmed and your budget allows it: Opt for the services of a wedding planner. You can ask him for a total organization, partial or just to coordinate the D-day. It is his job, and he will be able to advise you and relieve you in the organization. It will be important to have confidence in the person you choose to help you organize and especially let go.
How to avoid post-wedding depression?
After the moments of great joy there is inevitably a downturn. It is not necessarily a depression. It corresponds to the fall of adrenaline and a return to normalcy. Especially if you have experienced intense excitement or extreme tension with the anxiety of the preparations. The wedding day is only a moment T, the real experience of the wedding is what you live after.
Put it in perspective, life cannot always be in total excitement, it would be exhausting. There is a need for variation in our lives. There are peaks like the moment of marriage and troughs which are the moments of crisis. Our ambition is not to always have great moments of intense joy and then great moments of emptiness, but to have a regular little ripple that gives movement to our life. I’ll give you a few tips to prolong the euphoria and the moment of the wedding:
Plan a day after the wedding! You don’t have to invite everyone, but have a small dinner with your family and close friends. This will allow you not to cut yourself off from the wedding party, which can be very intense. The honeymoon is also the best way to remember your wedding. My advice is to space the honeymoon from your big day. Organize it a few weeks or even a few months later. Celebrate your wedding anniversaries! Just the two of you, with your family, or with a big party! It doesn’t matter, the important thing is that every year you can look back on this good memory.
My parents are divorced and I dread their confrontation at my wedding
There are many people who do not get married to avoid this kind of problems. Marriage, the commitment with the other person and the construction of one’s own family is the first moment of rupture, of distancing from the family of origin. This moment must be a moment of autonomy and choice. In the way you are going to affirm your choices you are going to pass by an act of differentiation. For example, you will invite the people you want and like.
The credo to take: “Come whoever you want”. You decide to invite your parents because you love them and you need their presence. If they come, you will probably have to set up a peace pact and a “cease fire”. And remind them that it is the parental couple that is invited, not their marital couple. Especially since the children’s wedding often awakens memories of the parents’ wedding
How to resist family pressure?
The first thing to do is to say that you are taking charge of your wedding financially if possible. This shows your autonomy, and you will have fewer qualms about saying no to your family. Explain and set limits for both of you on the interest and contribution you wish to make to your parents. Marriage is an act of autonomy and a time to make your own choices. Remember that this is your wedding, your experience and that it is not about pleasing others but about pleasing yourself first.
Conclusion of questions and doubts related to the wedding
In summary, it is normal to have questions and doubts when preparing for your wedding. Getting married is the first experience of compromise in a couple. These compromises will have to be constantly renewed throughout your life together.
First of all, it is the first confrontation between the desires of one and the other, culture, education, representations, and also difference. What is rather paradoxical because it is at the moment that we decide to unite with someone that we are confronted with all your differences with the other. It is the very strong direct grip of the difference of our partner and of how we compose with this difference of the other. You discover how to be together by being different.
It is the opportunity to trigger the first act of differentiation with your own birth family and it is the moment to create your original model for your new life together.
One last piece of advice: try to find a good compromise by refocusing on your fundamentals. Put forward what is essential for you and don’t forget that what matters is the simple fact of living together.
I hope this article has answered your questions and doubts about your marriage!