My younger boyfriend knows I want to get married but he keeps putting it off. There was a time not long ago when he was keen to get married. We were saving up for the big day and both of our parents were going to help out with the finances. Everybody seemed happy so we announced our engagement after a magical proposal on a beautiful sunset beach in India. Getting my boyfriend to propose was not something that I even struggled with back then – he just seemed ready and did it, naturally, off his own back – there was no cajoling or nagging him from me.
The trouble is – that was four years ago and it’s become a bit of a running joke about when are we going to actually get hitched. I’m getting fed up and frustrated with all of my girlfriends sniping and starting to egg me into believing that he will never marry me now. It’s also kind of embarrassing with my family (and his, I think) that the engagement seems to have come to nothing thus far.
I don’t know why but he nearly always shies away from the conversation, even when I explain that we have the finances in place and everything seems ready – so I don’t think it’s the finances that are bothering him. He says he loves me and still wants to get married but he’s really loathe to commit to a date and gets annoyed now when I bring the subject up.
I’m not sure but I think he’s scared of the whole commitment thing. Arguments have been occurring lately when he’s wanted to stay at the pub all day and evening because there’s some soccer match or something that he wants to watch. I mean, come on, that’s a 90 minute game the last time I looked. I’m sure there is something more to this and I’m scared that we’re drifting apart. Or, at least, he’s drifting apart from me. I still love him dearly but I can’t get over the feeling that he doesn’t feel the same way anymore.
A large part of the problem, I’m sure, is that none of his friends are married – and he’s four years younger than me. The age mismatch means that most of my friends are settled with kids and all of his are still living the party dream. This definitely affects him in some way because he’s become negative about going out with my friends now. They usually only want to go out for a meal because they can only have the babysitter for so long and so it’s usually a meal out and a pretty early night home. He’s forthright recently in telling me that he finds them and that lifestyle boring. It didn’t seem to be a problem in the beginning – I suppose it never is when you are keen and falling in love with somebody – people will go through all sorts when they are in that situation and it never seems to be a problem. Now, it seems that the idea of committing and settling down with kids is starting to get to him.
I’ve tried explaining to him that marriage would not mean the end of his life as he knows it now. I’m pretty lenient with him and let him go out pretty much when he pleases but he has started saying that he’ll be under the thumb as soon as the ring is on my finger. I know that if I want to keep him that I’ll have to convince him that I want him the way he is. I respect his freedom and individuality – secretly, however, I feel that even now I am becoming a nag and a bore to him as we both seem to want different things. Or, at least, I want them sooner than he does.
So, I’m in a bit of a quandary, really. Do I wait it out – possibly for a long time – possibly for nothing, while my friends move on with their happy little families? Or do I start thinking about leaving him for somebody with a more mature outlook than his. Somebody who is ready to settle down and do all the things with me that I dreamed marriage would be about? If my boyfriend continues putting off marriage, I’m afraid that I’ll be forced to move on – yet, my heart keeps insisting that I love him and he’s still the right man for me.
My good friend Jessica at Get Married Tips asked me to spell out my marriage woes here on her new blog. She hopes that her good readers will be able to share their similar stories and perhaps offer some insights into their own situations, what they did about it and what the eventual outcomes were. She’ll take me aside and offer me her own good advice over a glass of vino – but we thought we’d reach out for any ideas, that you might be willing to share first. It will give us something to munch and brood over and may offer fresh insight into my experience or a new approach or angle to explore that both of us may have overlooked. I really look forward to your comments.
My name will remain anonymous to protect the [innocent].